Bill and Lorena Have Kinky Sex in True Blood Episode 3

Top 10 Best Moments (okay, maybe 11) in Episode 3 of True Blood

1. The King of Mississippi rolling Lorena in a Celtic tapestry from the 1500’s to douse the fire consuming her when Bill threw an oil lamp on her. His consort is quite upset at the damage to the tapestry while Lorena looks on from a blackened, peeling, smoking face.

2. Sam’s Dad sitting on the sofa in his gray baggy underwear watching TV when Sam stops by to say goodbye. That’s one nasty pair of underpants. You know, a 3-pack of tighty whities at Walmart is $9. That’s as much as a 12-pack of beer and he seems to be able to afford that.

3. Pam getting busy with some dancer at Fangtasia in some girl-on-girl action when Jessica calls her about her missing body. Pam looked quite annoyed at the interruption but she goes right back at it when she hangs up the phone.

4. Jason studying for the police test – Hoyt says he’s 0 for 22 in correct answers. He says the legal limit for driving drunk is….when you’re drunk. He’ll make a great police officer.

5. Jason has the classic test-taking anxiety dream. He dreams that time has run out and he can’t read the exam, it’s all in hieroglyphics. Next you see him standing at the front of the room with no pants on – quite a nice butt shot – as he tries to turn in his test to the sheriff who has a bullet hold in his forehead.

6. Alcide the werewolf shows up – holy moly – he is hot! Eric sent him to take Sookie to Jackson. Did I mention how hot he is? When is he going to run around naked like everyone else has?

7. Bud the sheriff quits after seeing the latest dead body in Bon Temps. It’s a headless body that Hoyt discovered during his road work. He says he is sick of this horseshit – to many dead bodies, every time they solve one murder, two more show up and it’s causing gaps in his brain and polyps in his ass. Bud is done. I’ll miss him.

8. Arlene finds out that the baby in her belly is about 9 weeks old. She tries to tell Terry but he thinks she is breaking up with him. Terry says ‘if I had a nickel for every time a woman broke up with me, I’d have 15 cents’. I love Terry, what a sweetie. My question is – who is the father of this baby?

9. Jessica answers a knock at the door – it’s Franklin – and she challenges him with a ‘fang flash’ to warn him off to which he flashes right back, walking on in with no invite. Franklin says he finds things and isn’t she looking for something? At which point he proceeds to pull out the head of the guy she killed for dinner some time ago. He helps her – he disposed of her decaying body problem, and she helps him – tell him everything there is to know about Bill Compton. Bill can’t catch a break . . .

10. Franklin shows up at Sookie’s house looking for Tara, he tries to get her to let him in and she’s like – hell no! Smart girl. But, then he puts some whammy on her and she invites him in. Must be that English accent – no American girl can resist an English accent. It gets us in trouble every time . . .

And the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen on a TV show – Lorena goes up to see Bill now that he has sworn loyalty to the king of Mississippi. It’s obvious how much he hates her. She begs him to make love to her – he yells no but then proceeds to rip her clothes off. They start having some pretty rough sex and then:

Bill decides he can’t stand looking at Lorena so he TWISTS HER HEAD ALL THE WAY AROUND so she’s facing backward as he continues having sex with her!

How very “Exorcist” of the writers . . . it’s going to be hard to get that image out of my head.